How to resolve conflicts

Condensed version

Engaged Sam in a discussion about resolving conflicts. Stressed the importance of listening to what the other person has to say and taking time to fully think it through, even when he is sure he is right, as this conveys respect and will make the other person more open to considering his point of view. It will also give him a better understanding of the disagreement that could make it easier to resolve. Explained that trying to win an argument often creates a power struggle in which the other person feels forced to accept ideas they don’t agree with. When this happens, they can become hostile and defensive. Discussed the value of compromise and the consequences of blaming others. Role-played an imaginary conflict with Sam, modeling the use of “I” statements to express my opinion, and using reflective listening when he was expressing his.

Full version

Session 1: Asked Lisa to think of a person she wanted to improve her relationship with, describe how she wanted to get along better with them (how she wanted things to be different), and explain why she thinks their relationship deteriorated. Prompted her to think of a specific incident or moment when the relationship became uncomfortable or upsetting, what the other person was saying to her at the time, and who she thinks is to blame. With this in mind, I asked her to consider 2 questions: First, did she feel the need to get the other person to understand and accept her point of view? Second, was her goal to get her own point across, or to understand the other person’s point of view? Explained to Lisa that considering these questions was an important part of beginning the resolution process and asked her to think about them over the coming week.

Session 2: Last week I directed Lisa to think of a conflict she was having and reflect on 2 questions: 1) Did she feel the need to get the other person to accept her point of view, and 2) was she trying to get her own point across or understand theirs? Today Lisa said she was trying to get the other person to see things her way, and was trying harder to get her own point across than to understand their position. Explained to Lisa that trying to win an argument can lead to a power struggle in which the other person feels forced to think, understand, or act the way she wants, instead of how they want. This can cause them to become hostile and defensive. Taking time to understand the other person’s position demonstrates respect for them and makes them more inclined to try to understand hers. It can also give her a better understanding of the situation and help her identify areas of agreement and specific “sticking points” that need to be focused on.

Session 3: Engaged Lisa in a discussion about the advantages and disadvantages of blaming other people when she has a conflict with them. Discussed her responses and asked her to explain her reasoning. Highlighted the negative effects of blaming others. Pointing out the disadvantages and how they outweigh the advantages. Praised her for demonstrating an understanding of the consequences of blame. Directed Lisa to spend the next week thinking about how she would begin resolving the conflict we were discussing and told her I would help her develop a plan of action in our next session.

Session 4: Helped Lisa develop a plan for resolving a conflict she is currently having. Summarized key points from prior sessions and incorporated them into the plan: 1) Stay aware of her own needs, but don’t try to win; 2) consider compromising and negotiating in order to be fair; 3) do her best to be genuine, friendly, and calm; 4) keep the discussion focused on a resolution; 5) try to work with the other person to break down the problem and find a better solution; 6) use “I” statements instead of negative “you” statements; 7) avoid speculation and blaming; 8) try to make the relationship better in addition to resolving the conflict; 9) if the other person gets negative, reiterate the need for a solution and for respecting each other; and 10) if they are unable to find a resolution now, suggest trying again at a later date and in a different place. Modeled the use of “I” statements to explain her opinion (“I feel that…”) and to show interest in the other person’s opinion (“But I also want to hear about how you feel…”). Praised Lisa for participating and explained that resolving disagreements takes patience and time.